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THE MERTON SOCIETYAmerica's Oldest "Tea Drinking and Whisky" Speaking Society |
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The Reunions 2000 Meeting -- Part II
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Meanwhile, Sir "Honest" Jonathan of Fletcher had decided to share his cigar discovery with the Peons. |
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From their vantage point in the Merton Room, none of the other Members could tell whether Sir "Honest" was giving away the cigars (an appropriate act in this case), or attempting to charge the Peons for them. As a pre-emptive measure, Sir Waynathon proclaimed that Sir "Honest" Jonathan of Fletcher was circulating gratis a box of Merton Society private label cigars for the enjoyment of everyone present. He also explained that the Society's procurement agents in Gibraltar could neither confirm nor deny the long-standing rumor that Merton Society cigars were hand-rolled on the thighs of virgins.
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The admonition did not have much effect. Entertaining visions of a steamy cigar factory filled with voluptuous maidens rolling pungent cigars on their thighs, a large number of Peons joined the Members in relishing the opportunity to smoke such a rare sampling of fine tobacco.
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| Having solved his cigar cutter problem by then, Sir Waynathon of Dilldox announced that it was time for the lectures to begin. He indicated that the first speaker, Kaiser Wilhelm von Fuent, who was affectionately known as "the Kaiser" among Society members, recently had joined Snap-On Tools Corporation as a member of the inner sanctum, and was going to be speaking on "Snap-On Tools for a Cybersexed World." | |
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Attired in appropriate period costume, the Kaiser was the perfect stimulator to whet the eloquent appetites of the audience.
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Sometimes bold, sometimes coy, he hammered and drilled the audience through a steamy sequence of double entendres, puns, jokes and otherwise jocular witticisms. Starting slowly, the banterer led the initiated on an East Prussian sleigh ride, first cutting, then sanding, then polishing his humor to a high degree of refinement. His final gesture culminated in the production of a multi-functional snap-on tool that could measure, lubricate, drive, tighten and screw with one simple thrust. |
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Needless to say, those present were highly amused, and the climax set the table in a roar. |
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After the room had returned to normalcy, Sir Waynathon stated that the next lecture was going to be a multimedia presentation, and there would be a brief interlude while the technical crew was setting up the audio-visual stimulation equipment.
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During this interlude, Saint Harry, the Patron Saint of Tea Drinkers and Bulls' Pizzles, entertained the audience with "A David Letterman Top Ten List of Viagra Slogans." |
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The audience was highly amused.
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When the room was ready for the second lecture, Sir Waynathon introduced the next speaker as the Duke of Homersex, who recently had accepted a position with the endowment fund of a major university in order to pursue his lifelong interest in endowmentia, and who was going to speak "On Being Well-Endowed." |
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Just as he had for his famous 1975 lecture, the Duke of Homersex took command of the dais wearing his Merton Society professor's baseball cap.
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Armed with a slide show and the same pointer he had in 1975, the Duke proceeded to outline his controversial theory on endowment.
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With a keen sense of the strategic offer curve, he followed the fortunes of various families throughout history, from the Mung Dynasty through the rivalry between the Hapsburgs and the Hohenzollerns (the reference to the latter pleased the Kaiser immensely). Citing the O'Connell-Platt mathematical model of frequent paronomasia, he compared the physical with the financial aspects of endowment in a quadrant format.
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He elaborated on the success sequence of task force market sharing agreements, which had been drawn from an endowment policy conference on the trilateral commissionary position. His conclusion reassured the audience: that the members of Cottage Club were, by far, endowed with the best assets. |
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The Peons were noticeably aroused by the scintillating points of the lecture. |
| A general sense of merriment permeated the room. Then the Lord Admiral rose and announced that he hoped that everyone enjoyed the introduction to "Science" that evening. | |
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The audience was amused at the thought.
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